The Iceberg Principle: Why Couples Always Argue About the Wrong Things

Sunday morning. A harmless phone call triggers a relationship war.

Over breakfast, he announces that he is about to call an old school friend. Alarm bells immediately start ringing for her. Coffee cups remain untouched. The mood changes.

What she thinks: “He doesn't even think it's necessary to discuss it with me. He finds time for his buddy, but our couple time? He's been putting that off for months.”

What he feels: “Why do I have to ask permission for a phone call? I'm not a child!”

The argument escalates. They hurl accusations at each other about consideration and family time. He counters with autonomy and trust. One leaves the room in a rage, the other retreats to the children's room.

What was really behind it:

• She felt invisible and unimportant.
• He felt a need for autonomy and a fear of control.
• Both were fighting for basic needs—they just weren't talking about them.

Interestingly, it wasn't until late in the evening, when the children were asleep, that they were able to talk about their true emotions. Suddenly, he understands that she wasn't concerned with control, but with connection. And she realizes that his need for autonomy has nothing to do with a lack of love.

Most disputes are like icebergs. On the surface, we only see the tip—the phone call, the forgotten milk, the full trash can. But underneath lie the real issues:

• The need to be seen and appreciated
• The longing for connection
• The desire for autonomy
• Old wounds that are reactivated

My 3-step tip for your next argument:

When you notice that emotions are running high:

• 1. Pause: Take three deep breaths before reacting
• 2. Questions: Ask yourself: What am I really feeling right now? What is this really about for me? – not the phone call, but the feeling behind it
• 3. Share: And then share it: “You know, what I'm really concerned about is that...” – talk about the feeling or need beneath the surface

Sometimes couples therapy is like detective work. Together, we get to the root cause of conflicts. And when couples leave my office feeling more hopeful than when they arrived – that's when I know why I love this work so much.