If only he or she was different, I'd feel better

In my work as a couples therapist, I hear this desire very often: to change one's partner.
When talking to clients, the wish often arises that I should help bring about this change.

I understand well where this desire comes from. If you're dissatisfied in your relationship, it's easy to think that something has to change in the other person. But unfortunately, that doesn't work. People only change when they want to or have to. Anything else is a waste of time and energy. Even I, as a couples therapist, cannot bring about change if someone does not want to.

I work with a different approach where you are fully responsible: if you want to change the dynamics of your relationship, start with yourself.
Relationships are systems. When one part changes, the whole system changes. This means that even small adjustments in your own behavior can have a noticeable impact on your relationship.

I therefore invite you to ask yourself the following questions:

1. How do I want to be in my relationship, regardless of what my partner does or doesn't do?
2. How do I want to appear in conflicts? Do I want to be the little hothead every time my wishes are not fulfilled, or do I have other ways to react to it?
3. If not, am I ready to expand my repertoire of reaction options?
4. Am I already where I want to be, and if not, what small step can I take today to get closer to my goal? What small change can I implement in concrete terms?

When you start to reflect on your own behavior and adapt it in a targeted manner, something surprising often arises. Your partner also reacts differently.

Not because you have changed him or her, but because the dynamic between you has changed.
If you feel that your partner should change, look at yourself first. This is where the greatest lever for sustainable changes in your relationship lies.

Or, to put it in the words of Julie Gottman:

It's not your job to improve your partner. This responsibility lies exclusively with your partner. Your job is to be the best version of yourself – even and especially in challenging moments.