Staying Lovers – How Parents Can Strengthen Their Relationship and Remain Happy as a Couple

“Everything will change now,” is what friends and family often say when a couple is expecting their first child. But what exactly changes? This becomes clear only later, after countless sleepless nights, when you're exhausted, irritable, snapping at your partner, and just going through the days on autopilot. Later still, amidst diapers, daycare, endless to-do lists, and work, there’s often little room left for connection. You plan, organize, and function, but somewhere between dinner and putting the kids to bed, you lose sight of yourselves as a couple.

Jesper Juul, a family therapist and bestselling author, addresses this issue in his book “Staying Lovers. Families need parents that focus more on themselves.” The title might seem provocative - but that’s precisely the point.

A Happy Relationship Means a Happy Family

Many parents dedicate themselves fully to being good mothers and fathers, but in doing so, they lose the lovers they once were. A strong partnership is the foundation of a healthy family. Parents who nurture their own relationship are giving their children the greatest gift. Kids can sense whether their parents are connected or merely coexisting, and this dynamic becomes a model for how they view relationships later in life.

Between Closeness, Responsibility, and Overload

With the birth of a child, priorities shift radically. Closeness often arises almost exclusively through the child – and the couple's relationship is pushed to the sidelines.
Juul describes how important it is not to give up everything you once had as a couple: time together, conversations, touch, humour.

Conflict As an Opportunity

Arguments, differences of opinion, irritating evenings – all of this is part of life. Juul does not see conflict as a relationship failure, but as an opportunity for growth.
What is important is how we treat each other: honestly, respectfully, without blame. He advises expressing your own needs clearly – and not hoping that the other person will understand it “by itself”.

The most provocative idea in the book: parents should think more about themselves.
Not because they are selfish, but because self-care and nurturing the couple relationship are the foundation on which a family stands. Children don't need perfect parents, they need happy ones. This means that time together as a couple is not a luxury, but a responsibility.

Jesper Juul's message is simple, but not easy to implement: If you want to “stay loving,” you have to choose yourself and your partner again and again.
Not despite having children, but because of them.
Not by being perfect, but by remaining honest.

Perhaps this is the most beautiful thing we can give our children: the image of two people who always find each other again, even in the chaos of everyday life.

In my online and in-person couples therapy in the Düsseldorf area, I help couples reconnect before the conflicts become too big and the wounds too deep.
Often, just a few sessions are enough to find new words, new closeness, and new perspectives.