Infidelity in a Relationship - a Guide for Couples
Some get hung up on the past (the sufferers), others pull themselves together and come to terms with it (the pragmatists), and still others rise from the ashes of the old and create an even better relationship (the explorers).
Esther Perel
Infidelity in a Relationship - Questions and Answers
An affair suddenly not only calls the entire relationship into question but also shatters the identity of the injured partner. It is not only the loss of the relationship that hurts, but also the loss of one's own self and the illusion of having been something special for the other person. When your partner and the relationship are no longer what you thought they were, you question yourself and the past phase of your life.
Are My Feelings Normal? - Acknowledging and Normalizing Emotions
After the affair is revealed, the body and psyche are in a state of shock. The shock triggers our basic instincts: Fight, flight or freeze. The feeling of control over one's own life, self-esteem and self-image can be considerably impaired by this experience. You lived in 2 different relationship realities and only one of the partners knew about it. This is difficult to bear. The pain felt is understandable in view of the acute traumatization experienced and is an appropriate reaction.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? - Separation or a New Start
Both options are possible for both the injured and the unfaithful partner. I invite you to explore with me which option is right for you and your individual situation: without prejudice, but well-considered and aware of what both options mean for you. I will help you to make an informed decision for the future.
How Can We Make a New Start Together? - Rebuilding the Relationship
An affair can be both a death sentence and a wake-up call for the relationship. Understanding an affair does not mean justifying it. But it is the first step towards a new beginning, in whatever constellation. One option is to make a fresh start with your current partner. However, the aim should not be to return to the relationship quality before the affair, because this did not protect you from infidelity, but to build a new, healthier and more sustainable relationship 2.0. How can this be achieved? By analyzing how each partner contributed to the affair and by rebuilding trust and closeness. Admittedly, this is the hardest part. Because the spectre of the lover is omnipresent, even after the affair relationship is over.
What Options Do We Have? - Three Possible Paths to Reconciliation
The sufferers: The lives of these couples are dominated and overshadowed by the affair. Even years later, they have not managed to come to terms with the affair and look to the future together. The injured partner feels morally superior for eternity and the cheater can never compensate for their superiority through their remorse. These couples stay together and maintain the façade, but inwardly all positive feelings have died.
Pragmatists: Pragmatists are committed to each other because they value life together and want to preserve the family and the community. They more or less return to a peaceful state as before the affair. They want to forget the affair as quickly as possible and pick up where they left off before the affair.
The explorers: The affair also throws these couples' lives into chaos, but they manage to endure the contradictions, insecurities and different feelings and open up a space full of possibilities for the future to rediscover themselves and build a deeper bond. The affair does not dominate their whole life, but is “only” a milestone that they overcome together.
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