Overwhelmed as Parents and Constantly Arguing? Case Study From the Intensive Couples Therapy

Note: The following case study is an anonymized and distorted representation based on several cases from practice.

A couple in their late 30s, parents of a small child, who were very involved in their careers, sought support after the demands of career and family life increasingly led to tensions.
Both were performance-oriented, structured and used to taking responsibility. But in everyday life together, an imbalance arose that gradually came to a head.
Without family support in everyday life, their previously stable relationship came under increasing pressure. Conflicts over household, time management and personal freedom increased.

The partner in particular felt exhausted, solely responsible and increasingly burdened – both in everyday family life and professionally. The partner, on the other hand, initially perceived the situation as less problematic and was initially skeptical about couples therapy. It was only in the course of the joint conversations that he realized how serious his partner's dissatisfaction was.

During intensive counselling sessions, it became apparent that stress and excessive demands often led to escalating conflicts. Both tended to look for solutions quickly without really understanding each other's perspective. For example, they rejected each other's vacation proposals without really negotiating or showing interest in the other side, which ultimately ended in withdrawal or criticism.

A central topic was the unequal distribution of the so-called "mental burden". The partner felt mainly responsible for planning, organization and thinking along in everyday life. Behind this were also one's own inner demands to have everything "under control" - which led to overwhelm and frustration in the long term.

In the counselling process, she began to formulate her needs more clearly, to demand support and to set boundaries instead of escalating conflicts by withdrawing or threatening. Her tendency to threaten separation if she was overwhelmed created insecurity in him. She worked on expressing her feelings, desires and needs more clearly and formulating boundaries instead of threatening with ultimatums. His occasional emotional withdrawal, in turn, increased her sense of rejection, especially in stressful moments.

An important turning point was to look at individual problems in the context of societal expectations and role models. This helped the couple to move away from mutual accusations and develop a common perspective.

Through targeted exercises, they learned to listen to each other better, to remain curious and to take each other's point of view seriously. Step by step, they developed new strategies for dealing with stress and everyday demands.

An online test to assess mental stress helped them to distribute responsibilities more evenly.

The two intensive days of counselling proved to be an effective approach for both of them: without time pressure, they were able to speak openly, listen and be curious about each other's thoughts and wishes – a basis on which they wanted to build in the following weeks.

In the end, they agreed to continue couples therapy every two weeks in order to build sustainable changes in the division of work as well as new skills to master everyday stress together.

Conflicts after the birth of a child are not uncommon – especially when mental stress is unevenly distributed. Structured couples counselling can help to recognise entrenched patterns, develop understanding for each other and find sustainable solutions together.